We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
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*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.