nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
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Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
live, laugh, laundry.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…