Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
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*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Saturday
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.