started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
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Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.