Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
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I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups