All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud