I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
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I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night