Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
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[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
You have tattoos and curves?
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: no hablo Inglés
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
*walks by stable*
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?