@Abby__Rose I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
@Donna_McCoy Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
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@Abby__Rose 
@UnFitz *fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
@dlockw21 TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
@thepunningman [landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
@lloydrang Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
@intellegint GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
@GeorgiaSweet20 *walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
@Cornjerker78 Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
@Cheeseboy22 The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
@Caissie I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”