@Donna_McCoy

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

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@Abby__Rose

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

@UnFitz

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

@dlockw21

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

@thepunningman

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

@intellegint

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

@GeorgiaSweet20

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

@Cornjerker78

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

@Cheeseboy22

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

@Caissie

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”