Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
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“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Basketball
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”