In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
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Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I have a type: disappointing
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.