In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
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Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
We’ve come full circle
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fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Somewhere in an alternate universe
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My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
☠️ ☠️
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I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
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