The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
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[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.