Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
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37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?