You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
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“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Is this you?
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.