The 5 signs of laziness
1.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
then why did i get this email
![]()
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.