The 5 signs of laziness
1.
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“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Barbie gone wild
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”