Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
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This is no longer winter this is harassment
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Scream sneezers need love too.