I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
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Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking