Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
You Might Also Like
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I have never related to anyone more.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.