To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
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I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
*mops up wine with cat*
I needed a laugh this morning.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back