i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
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“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
lol
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.