@urbangaygriot “I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
@themorris23 In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
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@urbangaygriot 
@PrettiestPickle I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
@LoveNLunchmeat I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
@badbanana URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
@mommajessiec Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
@Lisa_Laughs_ They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
@iamfacciabella Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
@TheNostalgicCo *Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
@Qwertyings I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
@Boleyngirly My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.