In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
You Might Also Like
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”