@themorris23

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

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@badbanana

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

@mommajessiec

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

@Lisa_Laughs_

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

@iamfacciabella

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

@Qwertyings

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.