@themorris23

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

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@GregHenchman

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

@Jayson_Two_time

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

@PaperWash

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

@Cpin42

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

@nerdamage

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

@jonnysun

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

@KayRants

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.