In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
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“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
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Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
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Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
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My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.