“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.