Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.