While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
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I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
What number SPF blocks people?
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
shut up and take my money
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015