I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
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This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex