Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
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INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
At least my masseuse has my back.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.