Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
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Canadian owl: Eh?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*