Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

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As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.


The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.


My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.


Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.


The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.


Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue


The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.


“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.