Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
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Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Not messing around
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music