a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
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“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Education is vital
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
looks legit
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!