Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
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“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
The news