Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
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Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.