Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
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Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit