Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
oppen heimer style lol
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”