Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!