Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
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Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I think they could have phrased this better
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??