You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
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*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
taking June’s advice to heart
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Order here:
More here:
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be