They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
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I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Never be a pizza!
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
They’re the worst 😩
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet