I learned about self care from watching my cat.
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air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me