My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
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The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…