Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
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I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod