According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
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He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face