A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
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The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too