[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
![]()
You Might Also Like
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Jupiter
![]()
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now