[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
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In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
“Huge”.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Always 🥴
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?