Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
You Might Also Like
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.