Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
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Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
john wicks are toilet candles
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.