if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
You Might Also Like
Had an epiphany today.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
#Caturday
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.