I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
You Might Also Like
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Same post same
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!