The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
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The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.