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My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.