Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
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But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?