Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
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[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Well, this is awkward
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.