Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
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This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?