Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
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I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.