north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
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Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges