It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
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*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
My Sentiments Exactly
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that