Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
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An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Taking phone security to the next level.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control